Reasons why didn't you win this year's Nobel prize
Apparently, "Squished bugs tell no tales" is not news to the Science
Prize Nominating Committee.
Having lost out on the Chemistry Nobel, it's doubtful you'll win the
Literature Nobel for your paper
"5,7,[9-tris(dihydrodeoxy-anthracyclicpentyl-rubido)benzoyl]-3'-oxycyclohept
ane multiphasic sublimation."
No book of dirty limericks has ever won the Literature Prize before.
Nomination Committee snobs failed to recognize your peacekeeping
efforts while serving in the KISS army.
Peace Prize winner: Doctors Without Borders. Your group: Doctors
Without Diplomas.
You are still unable to confirm your hypothesis that George Clinton
represents an extension into this universe from the Funk dimension.
You may think it's a rare and amazing talent, but everyone else is
disgusted by your ability to dangle a loogie 4 feet and then suck it
back up.
You weren't really the first to discover golden showers.
You won this year's Miss America Pageant and no on wants to see you
hogging all the glory.
Your last great work scored #1 on an Internet humor list.
Your latest missive to the Nominating Committee: "Why They're Not
The Millennium Nobel Prizes, You Freaking Nitwits."
Your main qualifications are a beret and a semen-stained blue dress.
Your paper on the Ballistic Properties of Primate Feces was
brilliant, but for some reason the rest of the world doesn't share your
appreciation for flung dung.
Your peers gave a resounding thumbs down to your groundbreaking work
on the lethal toxicity of Martha Stewart videos.
Your research into "Canine Flatulence As An Alternative Source of
Energy" didn't even win at your high school's Science Fair last
semester.
A study about how studies are affected by studies about studies?
All those journalists hanging around, but not one science journal
would publish your study on the female bio-sexual response to cigars.
Although your scientific research is solid, you still pronounce it
"nuculer."
Another year, and still no amateur gynecology category.
Close-minded committee refuses to acknowledge your contributions to
the art of evisceration.
During your presentation to the committee, your pig got loose, you
started chasing it, and your brother Cletus started playing that damn
banjo music again.
Five years and two million dollars later you have yet to prove or
disprove life's being like a box of chocolate.
It turns out you weren't the first person to think of putting Cheez
Whiz and salsa in the microwave at Super Bowl time.
Maybe the extended rap version of "Kill the Police" was a bit much.
Remarkable as it is, you can't explain the USE for a monkey with 7
asses.
Somebody already invented peanut butter and jelly mixed together in
the jar? DAMN IT!
The Nobel Committee disagreed with your conclusions, preferring the
overhand method of loading toilet paper rolls and dismissed your life's
work as bunk.
|
_p_files/blucloud.jpg)
